INT: Fade up on dressing room door from the inside.
SFX: [knock, knock, knock]
The door opens and SCOOTER peers in.
SCOOTER
Patton Oswalt? three minutes to curtain, Mr. Oswalt!
PATTON OSWALT
Thanks, Scooter. That’ll give me some time to get ready. I’m really nervous about this show.
SCOOTER
Well, don’t worry, i— [pulls up a clipboard and looks at it.] Oh, sorry, i read the call sheet wrong, THREE SECONDS to curtain!
PATTON OSWALT
THREE SECONDS! BUT I’M NOT—
Cut to Muppet Show logo, KERMIT THE FROG appears in the “O”.
KERMIT
It’s the Muppet Show! With our special guest star, Patton Oswalt! Yaaaaaaaay!
OPENING CREDITS. Muppets sing and dance the opening theme, audience shouts “why don’t you get things started?” Cut to opera box where STATLER and WALDORF are sitting.
WALDORF
I can’t believe they’re doing this show again
STATLER
I can’t believe were watching it!
SCOOTER steps into the box from behind them
SCOOTER
I can’t believe you’re both still alive!
OPENING CREDITS continue, culminating with Gonzo in the logo of The Muppet Show. He raises his trumpet to his lips and blows.
SFX: Old-timey car horn—”AHOOOGAH!”
GONZO
I need to get a newer horn!
END OF OPENING, fade to black
INT: Fade up on Muppet Theater stage. KERMIT enters in front of the red curtain.
KERMIT
Hi ho and welcome to the Muppet Show! Hey, we’re really excited tonight because our special guest star is that hilarious comedian and star of television and movies, Patton Oswalt! [hold for applause] But first, we take you into the mind of the creative process of a songwriter. Ladies and gentleman, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem!
Curtains open to a riser with the band on it. They play a slow rendition of the They Might Be Giants song “Number Three.” At the conclusion, they bow to audience applause.
INT: Muppet Theater backstage. Kermit stands before his desk as the band passes behind him.
KERMIT
Okay, nice first number, everyone!
FLOYD PEPPER
Shoulda been our third number, heh heh heh…
ANIMAL
NUMBER THREE! NUMBER THREE!
FLOYD
Cool it, Animal! Too much!
ANIMAL
NUMBER TWO! NUMBER TWO!
Kermit shakes his head as the band exits. PATTON OSWALT descends the steps.
PATTON OSWALT
Say, Kermit?
KERMIT
Oh, hi, Patton! Are you liking the show so far?
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah… yeah. It’s… it’s fine.
MISS PIGGY enters
MISS PIGGY
Kermie! Ker— [She looks Patton Oswalt up and down] Who are you?
PATTON OSWALT
I’m Patton Oswalt. I’m the guest star!
MISS PIGGY
Aren’t you a little short for a guest star?
PATTON OSWALT
Oh! Heh! Good one. If i was wearing a stormtrooper costume, that would be funny.
MISS PIGGY
What the hell are you talking about?
MISS PIGGY gives PATTON OSWALT a critical look, then sidles up to Kermit.
MISS PIGGY
[in a low voice] I think your guest star is a little unhinged.
KERMIT
Oh, no, that’s just the way he is. He’s a nerd! Nerds are cool.
SFX: WHOOSH!
Gonzo zips in.
GONZO
Nerds are cool?! Huzzah!
MISS PIGGY
Oh, brother.
GONZO
So, Patton, are you ready for our act?
PATTON OSWALT
Well, i haven’t seen the script, i don’t know my part, and i’m not in costume, so…
GONZO
Perfect! Kermit! Introduce us!
KERMIT exits
INT: Muppet Theater stage. KERMIT enters in front of the red curtain.
KERMIT
Uh, ladies and gentleman, it is rare in this business to see a truly groundbreaking act. An act that goes down in legend and song. You would be lucky if ONCE in your lifetime you were able to witness such a spectacle. Well, today, yes, today… you will NOT be seeing anything incredible ladies and gentlemen the Great Gonzo! Yaaaaay!
Curtain opens on a three-ring-circus set. GONZO is swinging back and forth on a trapeze by his feet, holding a large white painting canvas. Below, in a circus announcers costume, is PATTON OSWALT in front of an array of paint-ball guns.
GONZO
Ladies and gentlemen! Kids of all ages! Watch in wonder as i, the Great Gonzo, will perform the most jaw-dropping feat ever to be attempted by a mere mortal! As i swing by my feet on this trapeze, my assistant below will randomly fire paint balls at me and i shall, through the most incredible force of will, catch the paint in such a way as to render, in high definition on this canvas, the MONA LISA! [applause] Are you ready, faithful assistant?
PATTON OSWALT
You mean i just get to shoot things at you? Cool! I’M READY, oh Gonzo the Great!
GONZO
Then, fire away!
The band plays circus music as PATTON OSWALT fires gleefully at GONZO. Most of the paint balls hit GONZO and not the canvas. The paint splashes his feet and eventually he loses his grip on the trapeze, getting flung into the wall of the theater. The canvas splats into him and peels away, revealing a Gonzo-esque image of the Mona Lisa. Gonzo then peels off the wall as well and crashes through the canvas.
Cut to opera box.
WALDORF
Booo!
STATLER!
Boooo! I’ve seen better painting from a penguin!
WALDORF
I’ve seen better flying from a penguin, too!
Cut to stage
PATTON OSWALT
Hey Statler? Waldorf?
STATLER
What do you want, Oswalt?
PATTON OSWALT
If you had some paint, you think you could do a better job than Gonzo?
STATLER
Certainly!
WALDORF
Of course!
PATTON OSWALT
Okay, here you go!
STATLER and WALDORF duck for cover as a barrage of paintballs splatter their box.
INT: Close up of clock with hands spinning in odd random directions. “Muppet Labs” theme plays and we pull back to reveal DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW standing at his lab table.
BUNSEN
Doctor Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made, today! How many times have you needed to provide snacks or a charcuterie plate to a room full of hungry guests, but you don’t have the time? Well, we here at Muppet Labs have solved your problem! [BUNSEN picks up a large gun-like contraption.] By combining the rapid-fire mechanism of a paint-ball gun and the efficient spinning blade of a commercial deli slicer, all powered by a compact fusion generator, we can deliver snacks in the blink of an eye. We simply place a summer sausage in here… [inserts sausage into top of gun] and a brick of cheese here… [inserts cheese] There! Are you ready, Beaker?
Pull back to reveal BEAKER, holding two plates of crackers.
BEAKER
Me me meee?
BUNSEN aimes the gun at BEAKER and fires. A slew of sliced meat and cheese buries BEAKER in a pile, scattering the crackers and plates.
BUNSEN
Oh dear, i seem to have the settings too high. Rats!
RIZZO THE RAT and a crew of other rats rush in and begin devouring the sliced charcuterie, burying a screaming BEAKER in the process.
BUNSEN
Well, that’s all for today from Muppet Labs!
INT: Dimly lit stage. ROWLF sits at a piano with a spotlight on him. He plays a delicate intro, then begins singing “Three is a Magic Number” the classic Multiplication Rock song by Bob Dorough. As he gets to the chorus, a group of three-legged, three-armed fuzzy things do a choregraphed dance in the blackness behind ROWLF. He finishes the song, the audience applauds.
Cut to opera box
STATLER
Do you believe in magic?
WALDORF
I thought it was all clever tricks, but then my accountant made me believe it was real!
STATLER
What’d he do?
WALDORF
He made my retirement fund disappear!
INT: Muppet Theater backstage. KERMIT stands at his desk.
KERMIT
[into intercom on wall] Stand by for Pigs in Space! Pigs in Space next!
PATTON OSWALT comes up.
PATTON OSWALT
Kermit?
KERMIT
Yes, Patton?
PATTON OSWALT
Can i, uh, talk to you about something?
KERMIT
Sure, i’m three for a moment.
PATTON OSWALT
[beat] Did you just say you’re THREE?
KERMIT
FREE. I said i’m FREE. What’s up?
PATTON OSWALT
Well, you know how you always introduce the guest star at the beginnning of the show?
KERMIT
Uh, yes, that’s what i do.
PATTON OSWALT
Well, tonight, you said “It’s the Muppet Show with our special guest star, Patton Oswalt!”
KERMIT
Um, yeah. That’s because you ARE our special guest star. Was there something wrong with it? Did i pronounce your name wrong?
PATTON OSWALT
No, no… it’s just that… well, normally you say “our VERY special guest star.”
KERMIT
Do i? I don’t really keep track of that sort of thing. I just say whatever comes into my head at the time.”
PATTON OSWALT
Oh, okay, well….
KERMIT
You’re still our special guest star. Isn’t that good enough?
PATTON OSWALT
Well, yeah, i guess. I mean, if you don’t think i’m VERY special.
KERMIT
ALL our guest stars are special, but they can’t ALL be VERY special. I mean, we have to leave room at the top for the superstars! The cream of the crop! The best of the best!
PATTON OSWALT
So basically what you’re saying is that i’m a B-list celebrity.
MISS PIGGY
[walking by] Try another few letters down the alphabet, buster.
KERMIT
Look, Patton, you’re great. But you’re no Tom Hanks.
PATTON OSWALT
What makes me not as good as Tom Hanks?
KERMIT
You’re doing this show.
PATTON OSWALT.
Oh! A very astute point. [he smiles and bows] I’ll be in my dressing room.
EXT: Space
ANNOUNCER
And now, join the intrepid crew of the spaceship Swinetrek for another gripping installment of…. PIGS… IN…. SPAAAAAACE!
Music swells as the Swinetrek flies through.
INT: Swinetrek bridge. DR. STRANGEPORK, LINK HOGTHROB, and MISS PIGGY sit at the controls.
ANNOUNCER
When we last left our heroes, they were deciding who’s turn it was to wash the dishes.
LINK
All i’m say is that i’ve got delicate hands and the soap—
SFX: Klaxxon alarm
DR. STRANGEPORK
Captain! I’m picking up a strange object!
LINK
Well, you know, if you use dish gloves, you might have an easier time picking it up.
MISS PIGGY
Not with his hands, you lunk-head! There’s a strange object out there! In space!
LINK
In space? That’s no place to store dishes!
MISS PIGGY
Oh, for the love of…. Strangepork, bring it up on the view screen!
PATTON OSWALT appears on screen, sitting in a chair floating in space and dressed as Abraham Lincoln, except that he has a huge purple chin and is wearing a knockoff infinity gauntlet. Also he has a flannel plaid shirt on under his dress jacket.
PATTON OSWALT
I am FLANOS! And i am here to… actually, i’m not exactly sure why i’m here. Could you give me directions to Babylon Five?
DR. STRANGEPORK
It looks like a being of incredible power!
LINK
Oh, it’s horrible!
MISS PIGGY
He doesn’t look THAT horrible.
LINK
No, my hands! They’ll all wrinkly from too much dish soap!
DR. STRANGEPORK
What do you want, oh mighty Flanos?
PATTON OSWALT
I am seeking… [he pauses and raises his glove] the Insanity Stones! From the Cliffs of Insanity! Ahhh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
MISS PIGGY
What are you talking about? We have no Insanity Stones! And even if we did, why should we tell YOU where they are?
PATTON OSWALT
If you don’t reveal to me the location of all three—i mean five—Insanity Stones—the Frog Stone, the Chicken Stone, the Bear Stone, the Rat Stone, and the Pig Stone—i shall trap you forever in the insane insanity of the Insanity Gauntlet!
LINK
You keep on using that word, i don’t think it means what you think it means.
DR. STRANGEPORK
Link! If he traps us, how will we get free?
PATTON OSWALT
Did you say three?
LINK, DR. STRANGEPORK, MISS PIGGY
FREE!
PATTON OSWALT.
Oh. That makes more sense.
DR. STRANGEPORK
Captain, do you think it’s time to use the experimental DEATHRAY?
MISS PIGGY
Not the experimental Deathray! We have no idea what strange side effects it might have!
LINK
It can’t be any worse than dishpan hands. Activating experimental deathray!!
PATTON OSWALT
Ahhhh! No! It’s duplicating the stars! We’ll all be trapped together in this quadrant of insanity with no chance of getting three! I mean free!
ANNOUNCER
Will the fearless crew of the Swinetrek survive this strange encounter? Tune in next time for more insane insanity with PIGS… IN… SPAAAAAACE!!
INT: Muppet Theater backstage
KERMIT
Alright, nice and spacey.
PATTON OSWALT
Kermit, could i talk to you about the closing number?
KERMIT
Sure, what about it?
PATTON OSWALT
Well, it’s a big production number with music and singing and dancing…
KERMIT
Yeah.
PATTON OSWALT
I don’t sing. Or dance.
KERMIT
Oh c’mon, everybody can sing a little.
PATTON OSWALT
No, you don’t understand, i can’t carry a tune in a bucket. Really. Bad things would happen if you asked me to try to sing a song.
KERMIT
Patton, there’ll be lots of other performers on stage with you. You can do this. I believe in you.
PATTON OSWALT
Well, that’s very flattering, but—
FOZZIE BEAR enters and does a double-take when he sees PATTON OSWALT.
FOZZIE
Hey! You’re Patton Oswalt! You’re a comedian!
PATTON OSWALT
I AM a comedian, yes. [he turns to KERMIT] and NOT a singer!
KERMIT
Don’t worry about it. Nobody on this show can sing. You’ll fit right in.
FOZZIE
Hey! Hey! Patton! Hey!
PATTON OSWALT
Yes, Fozzie, what?
FOZZIE
Tell me a joke.
PATTON OSWALT
A joke? Um, okay, uh… a joke, let’s see…
FOZZIE
C’mon, c’mon! You’re a famous comedian! You have lots of jokes! Tell me one!
PATTON OSWALT
Okay, well, there was this one time when my daughter wanted to learn how to skateboard and Tony Hawk called me and—
FOZZIE
Wait a minute, wait a minute, what’s this? This is not a joke.
PATTON OSWALT
Well, it’s observational humor.
FOZZIE
Observational humor?
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah. I see things happening around me and i think about them and find what’s really funny and then i write that down and then i workshop it a few times and get the timing down, and—
FOZZIE
Hold on, hold on. You’re a comedian and you don’t know any jokes?
PATTON OSWALT
Fozzie, a comedian’s set is more than just telling jokes.
FOZZIE
IT IS?!!?
PATTON OSWALT
Sure! It takes a lot of thought and writing to put together a cohesive narrative—
FOZZIE
[pulling out a piece of paper and pencil] An adhesive native…
MISS PIGGY enters and looks at the two of them, then pulls PATTON OSWALT off to one side.
MISS PIGGY
Listen, short-stuff, the bear is not the brightest bulb on the marquee, if you get my drift. Just tell him a joke. A simmmmple joke.
PATTON OSWALT
Okay, here’s one Fozzie. A bear walks into a diner.
FOZZIE
I’m a bear! I like where this is going already!
PATTON OSWALT
Yeah, so a bear walks into a diner and the waitress asks “what’ll you have” and the bear replies “i’ll have a cheese………………. burger” and the waitress says “what’s with the big pause?” and the bear says [PATTON hold up his hands and shakes them like paws] “i’m a bear!”
FOZZIE
[beat, blank look] I don’t get it.
PATTON OSWALT
[Still holding up hands] Pause? Bear? Bear paws?
FOZZIE
[beat, more blank look] YOU’RE not a bear, I’M a bear!
MISS PIGGY
Looks like someone cut power to the whole marquee.
FLOYD, ANIMAL, and ZOOT walk through
FOZZIE
Floyd! Floyd! Tell a joke!
FLOYD
Okay. What’s brown and sticky?
FOZZIE
I don’t know, what’s brown and sticky?
FLOYD
A stick! Heh heh heh heh heh
FOZZIE
Why is it sticky? Is it from a pine tree? Is there sap on it?
FLOYD
Oh, man, the cat’s hopeless!
The band saunters off, ZOOT humming “Three Blind Mice”
PATTON OSWALT
Wait, wait! Zoot! What’s that you’re humming?
ZOOT
I dunno. Something by Charlie Parker, probably.
ZOOT turns and exits, continuing to hum “Three Blind Mice”
PATTON OSWALT
[to camera] Strange things are afoot at the Muppet Theater!
INT: Kitchen
The intro music to “The Swedish Chef” plays while THE SWEDISH CHEF sings and swings a couple of sticks.
SWEDISH CHEF
Duurndy boor, de welcoomen der furmoo herdy burr, Boorden Oobsboot!
Camera pans to find PATTON OSWALT standing beside the SWEDISH CHEF
PATTON OSWALT
Hi. Thank you.
SWEDISH CHEF
Turdoor, be doober boorden de moobde doorby door der radoodooby!
PATTON OSWALT
Yes, well, i should tell you that i only PLAYED a chef in the movie Ratatouille, i’m not actually a chef and i don’t really know how to make rata—uh, what’s… there seems to be something on my head.
RIZZO THE RAT appears on PATTON OSWALT’s head and begins yanking on his hair.
RIZZO
Cook! Slice! C’mon fatso!
PATTON OSWALT
Now wait a minute, i—what’s that?
The SWEDISH CHEF holds the charcuterie gun from Muppet Labs and levels it at PATTON OSWALT
SWEDISH CHEF
Radoodooby! On der dree! Der one!
PATTON OSWALT
Uh, wait, can we talk about this?
SWEDISH CHEF
Der dooooo!
PATTON OSWALT
This wasn’t stipulated in my contract—
SWEDISH CHEF
Der dreee!
He fires the charcuterie gun and PATTON OSWALT is pelted with meats and cheeses. Rats swarm and he goes down.
INT: Muppet Theater backstage. FOZZIE stands next to KERMIT.
FOZZIE
Kermit, i’m so nervous about my set. Be honest, do you think i’m funny?
KERMIT
Uh, er… define funny.
FOZZIE
You know, funny! Do i make you laugh? Do i amuse you? Do i tell good jokes?
KERMIT
Define good.
FOZZIE
Uuuuugh! I can’t go on! They’ll hate me!
KERMIT
Fozzie, you’re our resident comedian, you have to do your set.
FOZZIE
But what if no one laughs?
PATTON OSWALT enters
KERMIT
Patton, could you give Fozzie some pointers? He’s afraid that he’ll bomb.
CRAZY HARRY pops his head up in front of the dressing room doors.
CRAZY HARRY
Did somebody say BOMB?
There is a bright explosion behind PATTON OSWALT, FOZZIE, and KERMIT. CRAZY HARRY chuckles and exits.
PATTON OSWALT
What was that?
KERMIT
Er, cause and effect.
PATTON OSWALT
Fozzie, every comedian has a bad set. Ya gotta take your licks and get through it. Each one is a learning process.
FOZZIE
Aw, but i don’t wanna learn anything! I just want to make people laugh!
PATTON OSWALT
And what if they don’t?
FOZZIE
That would be terrible.
PATTON OSWALT
Would it? Really? Did they laugh at your jokes last week?
FOZZIE
Well, no.
PATTON OSWALT
Or the week before that? Or the weeks and weeks before that?
FOZZIE
OKAY! I get it. But did you ever have a show where not one single person laughed?
PATTON OSWALT
Oh yeah! More than once! It’s humbling, but it’s also a badge of honor! You can’t say that you’re a real comedian until you completely fail at least once.
FOZZIE
So you’re saying i’m a REAL comedian?
PATTON OSWALT
Of course you are! Now get out there and knock ‘em dead!
FOZZIE
OKAY! Kermit! Introduce me!
KERMIT exits
PATTON OSWALT
[puts his hands on FOZZIE’s shoulders] I believe in you!
FOZZIE exits and MISS PIGGY enters behind PATTON OSWALT. She looks out toward the stage.
MISS PIGGY
What’d you tell him?
PATTON OSWALT
I told him that i believe in him.
MISS PIGGY
[to camera] Definitely unhinged. [Kermit enters] Oh, Kermie! Kermie! May i have a word with vous?
KERMIT
Sure, Piggy.
MISS PIGGY
In private? [she leers at PATTON OSWALT]
KERMIT
Oh. Patton, would you excuse us?
PATTON OSWALT
Absolutely! You’re excused! I don’t know for what, but you’re both excused.
MISS PIGGY
[sighs, turns to PATTON OSWALT] Beat it, buster! Three’s a crowd!
PATTON OSWALT
Did you just say three—
MISS PIGGY
SCRAM!!!
PATTON OSWALT exits
MISS PIGGY
Now, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, about the closing number. I noticed that you’ve split up the singing duty to more than just moi.
KERMIT
Well, it’s a multi-part song, Piggy. It’s sort of a call and response. There have to be other singers besides you.
MISS PIGGY
Yes, but your CHOICE of singers.
KERMIT
I thought it was a very good choice. You and Janice and Annie-Sue.
MISS PIGGY
Yes, adequate, i’m sure. I was just thinking that if my feminine pipes could be… complemented by some singers in the more… bass range.
KERMIT
Oh. Well i thought that having three strong independent women at the forefront would be an empowering statement on this song. You do want to feel empowered, don’t you? Or are you afraid that Janice and Annie Sue will upstage you?
MISS PIGGY
Oh, ha ha ha, no! How could they upstage MOI, the STAR of the show?
KERMIT
Indeed. So what are you worried about?
MISS PIGGY
[beat] I guess nothing.
MISS PIGGY stomps off and PATTON OSWALT comes back and looks out onto the stage with Kermit.
PATTON OSWALT
How’s he doing?
KERMIT
He’s bombing!
CRAZY HARRY
Did somebody say BOMB?
PATTON OSWALT, KERMIT, and MISS PIGGY
NO!!!
INT: Muppet Theater stage. FOZZIE stands before a painted drop.
FOZZIE
… so the bear says… uh, wait, just a sec… there was something about paws. [he looks at his paws]
WALDORF
Booo!
STATLER
You’re terrible!
WALDORF
How ‘bout some observational humor?
FOZZIE
Oh c’mon you two! These are great jokes!
WALDORF
YOU’RE a great joke!
PATTON OSWALT walks on stage
FOZZIE
Patton! Help me out! Tell a joke!
PATTON OSWALT
Okay, what do you call a bear with no teeth?
FOZZIE
I don’t know, what do you call a bear with no teeth?
PATTON OSWALT
A gummy bear! [audience laughter] What did the teddy bear say after dinner?
FOZZIE
What?
PATTON OSWALT
I’m stuffed! [more audience laughter]
FOZZIE
Ooh! Ooh! I got one! What do you call a bear in the snow? A Brrrrr!
PATTON OSWALT
What do you call bears with cut grass all over them? Strawbearies!
STATLER
Stop! Stop! We can’t bear it!
PATTON OSWALT
Oh c’mon, we’ve bearly started!
FOZZIE
How do bears fly over the sea?
PATTON OSWALT
In a bearoplane! Which sea?
FOZZIE
The Bearing sea! [riotous laughter] Yes! Yes! They love us! Okay, your turn.
PATTON OSWALT
Hang on, i’ve got one, bear with me…
FOZZIE
Aaaaaa!! Patton, thank you! Thank you! You saved my set.
PATTON OSWALT
Well, i saw that you were getting bearied out here [laughter] so i thought i could help a little. It was the bear minimum.
FOZZIE
Aaaaaa! But tell me, truthfully, how do you write a good joke?
PATTON OSWALT
Well, you have to get from something strange to something funny. Sort of a process, like A, B, C.
FOZZIE
A, B, C?
Background drop lifts to reveal full Muppet Show band with dancers and backup singers of all shapes and furrynesses. Band kicks off the Jackson Five’s “A B C.”
PATTON OSWALT
You want to learn the jokes, bear? Jokes you never heard before? Puns and riddles and commentary, Quips and jests and more!
MISS PIGGY
Now we’re gonna teach you [teach you, teach you]
All about jokes [all about jokes]
Sit yourself down, take a seat
All you gotta do is repeat after me
ANNIE SUE
A B C, it’s easy as
JANICE
1 2 3, a simple as
MISS PIGGY
Do re me, A B C, 1 2 3
Baby you and me!
VARIOUS MUPPETS
Come on and try it a little bit
Make a good joke and shout it out!
Come on, come on, come on
Let me tell you what it’s all about
Reading, writing, arithmatic
Are the branches of the learning tree
But without the roots of funny things
Your education ain’t complete
Patton’s gonna show you (he’s gonna show you)
How to really slay (na na na na na na)
Tell me a joke and then i’ll tell one to you
Makin’ people laugh is the only thing to do
Oh, A B C, it’s easy as
1 2 3, as simple as
Do re me, A B C, 1 2 3
Baby you and me!
ABC, it’s easy like counting up to three
Singing simple melodies
That’s how easy jokes can be
Singing simple melodies
1 2 3 baby you and me!
ANIMAL
DRUM SOLO! DRUM SOLO!
ANIMAL wails on his drums while everyone dances around. PATTON OSWALT looks around him in confusion.
PATTON OSWALT
Wait a minute! Cause and effect! Threes! It’s all happening! It’s like that Star Trek episode where everyone keeps seeing threes. You’re all in on it! It’s a grand plot to make me go insane! Aaaaaa!!!!
PATTON OSWALT runs around as the band continues the song, eventually bringing it to a close.
INT: Muppet Theater stage. KERMIT enters in front of the red certain.
KERMIT
Well, what a show it was. They say that good things come in threes, but we only needed one, our VERY special guest star, Mr. Patton Oswalt! Yaaaaaay!
PATTON OSWALT
Thanks Kermit, it was, um, fun i guess. I’m just not entirely sure that this is all real. I feel like i’m in some sort of strange fuzzy simulation.
KERMIT
Now why would you think that? If this were a simulation, you would expect to see some sort of glitch in it, wouldn’t you?
A second KERMIT enters, followed by a third.
SECOND KERMIT
Wouldn’t you?
THIRD KERMIT
Wouldn’t you?
PATTON OSWALT
Aaaaa! There’s three of you! I knew it! I’ve gone completely insane!
More muppets enter and PATTON OSWALT goes crazy
KERMITS ONE, TWO, and THREE
We’ll see you next time on the Muppet Show!
END CREDITS roll
WALDORF
Well, wht’d you thik of tonight’s show?
STATLER holds up a card with a number on it.
STATLER
I give it a three.
END.
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